I’m not perfect, let’s be honest. In fact, some days I wish the world was smaller than it was, simply because I get overtaken by how things are in my life. I work hard, at least I like to think I do. But maybe, just maybe I don’t work as hard as I think I do. But I must agree that when things go wrong when things look bad, that is on me. It’s always been on me.
Trust is an issue I have, I have trust issues because I believe I am alone. We are all alone in some way, but not the way I feel. I have issues, things that annoy me, piss me off and downright make me angry. But I have issues expressing it because no one cares. As a result, I made the world smaller and I end up losing friends, losing chances. Let’s face it.
Truth can hurt
No one is gonna read this. No one is gonna care. I can do all the things they say to do. How to make money blogging, how to do this, how to stream, how to make good YouTube videos. I feel like I could do the best I can, and feel it’s great and no one cares. That is the feeling I get all the time. No one really cares, they make fun of me, they laugh not with me but at me. But I’m just made the world too small to notice that I’m not funny.
There are people I dislike, people I almost hate now. But I can’t express it, I can’t say what is on my mind to be professional and not losing everything I worked so hard to build. I cry sometimes, I do. I’m a man, and I’m not afraid to cry and admit that I cry.
Writing this, thinking about writing this, while I listen to Unmei No Hi while I write this makes me cry. Because I know deep down in my heart, no matter how hard I work, no matter how hard I try. I will never be the person I think I can be.
Let’s face it, we can’t all be that funny guy.
Not all of us can be the person everyone turns too, not all of us can have that greatness. That is the sad truth of life, some of us are leaders and some of us are followers.
What am I?
I’m not a leader, I know that. I’ve known that for a long time. I’m just good at pretending to be a leader. I have friends, I know I do. People who care about me. But my anxiety tells me they are not really my friend. No one really cares, no matter how much they show it, tell me and express it. My heart has burned out.
It’s no one’s fault, it’s my fault. I’m sorry really. I work really hard but my soul tells me I can do better, and I try to do better. I try to work harder and as much as I wanna cry and scream and well do something about it. (not in a good way) I feel like that I can be something more. Which is why I try and work hard.
I’ll just be the villain. Some of us die the hero, but some of us live long enough to become the villain and in my own personal story. I’ve become the villain and I’m okay with this. Somethings you simply can’t change, some times when you make the world smaller as I do all the time, the world itself becomes so small that you crash and burn to the ground. I don’t wanna fail.
Promising never to fail, that is something very hard to really do and I try really hard not to fail anyone. I’d rather fail myself than to fail those around me. Let it be my friends, those I work with, those I talk too. Even those I hate. Hate can be a strong thing if you know how to use it. People know I can on and on about things. Let’s face it, I talk too much.
Sometimes I talk about things no one cares about. I don’t know when to shut up. I’m working on that. I don’t wanna have a bad impression on people, to think I’m lesser of a person. I feel like I can just talk forever and maybe I shouldn’t. Maybe I should try being quiet for a while. Which is what I think might work best for me.
Write like it’s my last.
Maybe someone will read it, maybe someone will understand, maybe you’ll get something out of it. Maybe not today, not tomorrow, but someday. What I’m trying to say while I’m just venting, letting out some of my frustration without actually saying anything at all. Don’t make the world smaller, make it bigger, make it the world you need, not the world you want. Because the world you need and the one you want is sometimes a bad thing.
Thank you for reading, today was weird, but I wanted to vent and do it without really saying what I should say. Because in the end, it’s on me. No one else, no anyone. The things I fail at, this blog, the stream, the YouTube Channel, my full-time job, everything that is no one’s fault but me.